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In front of me, I see rows of people sitting down. Some face the speaker intently, while others look at the floor, not to give themselves up for repentance, but to give up the battle for consciousness and drift themselves to sleep. To my right, a family of five are talking amongst themselves about where to eat after the celebration has ended. Behind me, a man in his late forties is thinking about the money he has just earned from approving an infrastructural project with a huge kickback. Beside him, his wife is thinking about the night she spent with a twenty year-old yuppie in a motel. On my left, a man whose face looks like it has worked under the sun for many years looks at the ceiling, hoping for a better future for him and his seven children. At the front row, a manang uninterruptedly recites the names of an endless list of saints. Hanging on the wall, a statue of a dying man nailed on a wooden cross stares at the crowd with such meekness. Outside, children dressed in rags run around carrying garlands of Jasmine and Ylang-Ylang, hoping to earn money for the day’s meal.

This, to me, is the image of a typical Sunday in a Philippine church. Religion, Catholicism to be more specific, has been one of the greatest legacies we’ve received from Spain – a unique blend of papal doctrine and indigenous superstition. Over the past few years, I’ve grown a distaste for stepping inside the great halls decorated with marble statues of angels and saints. I ask myself: “Why should I follow what these people are telling me? Who gave them the authority to tell me what is right and what is wrong? Divine authority? Does a god even exist?” Somehow I find myself drifting between the lines of faith and agnosticism.

But I wasn’t always like this. My class adviser during my second year in high school was the first person to actually make me think seriously about my faith. When she talks in front of the class about anything, she more often than not digresses into lectures about how God was wonderful, about how He always has a plan for you. I joined a religious organization in my high school, and enjoyed being part of it. But there was always this sliver of doubt that remained inside my head – what if my religion, was all a lie?

I guess this stemmed from several reasons. The first being the hypocrisy of most of its followers (myself included). We try to appear as benevolent and holy as possible inside the church. With faces full of anxiety and concentration, we ask God for help on so many things – for your ka-MU to accept your offer to be your girlfriend, to pass your most recent exam, for your job application to be accepted, for you and your friend whom you recently fought with to start talking to each other again, even for world peace. We always ask for more. While I do not think that it’s bad to ask for these things, I believe that it’s what we do about our problems that counts more. Prayer alone is not the solution. It should be coupled with action. During the persecution of Christians by the Romans, a soldier once asked his general how to look for Christians. The general replied: “Christians treat people around them differently. They show much more compassion for others than anyone else.”

Second, I think that the religion has now been transformed into a capitalist institution. Through donations, and sometimes even obligation, many religious sects in this country have become quite wealthy. Some religious leaders live in grandiose mansions in exclusive villages and roam the streets in opulent luxury cars. All of these superfluous expenses could have been directed to other things, like livelihood projects or scholarship programs for the people who really need the money to survive.

I also dislike the fact that religion has such a great influence in this country. For example, some have accused religious sects to participate in “vote buying.” The leader of a a prominent religious sect is paid by a political candidate to support him. The leader then proceeds to preach about this candidate’s “goodness” to his followers. The leader makes his followers vote for the candidate by giving them threats of expulsion from the religious group if they do not do so.

If you thought that that example was too doubtful and falsified, here’s another example why I think that religion has become a form of control for society. When I look at Philippine laws for my projects, I noticed that lawmakers would often use the word “moral”. It irritates me to see something like a public document to contain a word affiliated with religion. Why not use the word “ethical?” I know that both words require a clearer definition, but it just goes to show how religion has permeated deeply into our culture and society. Whatever happened to the separation of church and state?

Whenever I tune in to international news networks (which is actually rare), there would always be one news story about conflicts in the Middle East. There is a never-ending conflict between people in Jerusalem – a conflict between the three Judeo-Christian religions. The recent “War on Terror” also created discrimination against Muslims. Now, they are stereotyped to be terrorists, hiding bombs under their clothes to be unleashed in the name of Allah. The Crusades are another example on how religion has created conflict between peoples.

But what really placed the nail on the coffin of my trust in my religion was a documentary by BBC talked about how the Vatican deals with child sexual offenders within their ranks. It stated that there existed a church decree called Crimen Sollicitationis written in 1962 which orders a vow of silence from both the sex offender and the victim. If they do decide to break this vow, they will face excommunication from the church. This document was sent to all bishops around the world and to be kept hidden in the church vaults. The documentary said that there have been hundreds of child abuse cases around the world which have never been resolved because of the protection of the church. Bishops would transfer offenders from parish to parish to avoid facing molestation charges from the government. In the worst scenario, the offender would be sent back to the Vatican.

But even with all of this, I don’t believe that religion has lost all hope. I know a few friends who still have a strong sense of faith. They don’t have vices, and they will help you in any way they can. They join charity work groups and still manage to finish their homework. They strive to live their whatever values they have been taught. They will become the model citizens of the future, still cheerful, gentle, and hardworking as today.

As for me, unless my faith in religion is restored, I don’t think I will step back into a church anytime soon. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.